Month 9 of Immersion: Building my home life around Japanese

I have a unique-ish situation at home. It’s me and my partner. Both of us are learning Japanese, and have been doing so for years. We study practically every day, watch various Youtube videos in Japanese, play videogames in Japanese, and watch an episode of anime or two at dinner with no subtitles. Yet, in the longevity of our relationship, we have hardly spoken Japanese with each other. Even when speaking in groups, we would speak to other people in the group, but not to each other. There are various reasons for this. For one, it’s more natural to speak in the language you first spoke with any particular person, and second, my skill level is considerably higher than hers, so a lot of the time I have to stop and explain things. Still, that hasn’t stopped us from trying, which is something that would usually only last half a day at most. Despite studying so much Japanese, so much of our day is still in English. Our 8 hour work shifts, our daily communication, what we decide to have for dinner, etc. We have finally changed this over the past month, and while there were obviously mis-steps, I think it’s a path in the right direction.

So for “mass immersionists” and people who take a more perfectionist approach to learning Japanese, perhaps this doesn’t sound so ideal. Some may scoff at the idea two people who are not fluent in Japanese trying to communicate with each other in Japanese, there are bound to be errors. I’m very well aware of this, and have actually been discouraged from doing this in a separate post I made a while back. This wasn’t an easy decision and in fact is one that has come 8 months into my immersion implementation. I understand that there are a lot of things we can’t say, especially my partner. And I’ve always told people I’ve tutored, if you can’t say it, don’t try to express things you don’t know how to say. It can create bad habits. However, there are a lot of things that we do know how to say correctly. Things that can be said everyday, and be applied through our daily lives. Things we we know are right because they have thoroughly re-enforced through study and consumption of media.

NOT CREATING A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT

One of the reasons I never strongly pursued speaking at home was my partner’s reactions to being corrected and getting feedback. We get along well, and hold a very healthy relationship, but she is not always the best at taking criticism. She is a relatively smart person, and smart people don’t like being told they’re wrong. I remember having a couple conversations with her at our kitchen table, explaining to her why she needed to listen to my advice and how we both needed to get better. These talks came off more as scolding and was definitely not the best way to go about it. Those conversations in the end led to nothing. This time I have implemented a more open approach to using Japanese at home, trickling in things rather than taking a deep dive. Suggesting small adjustments rather than going on a 5 minute rant about how to use the grammar properly and the correct vocab in context to the nuance of the situation. Not fun for anybody, and I know language learning isn’t all fun and games, but it shouldn’t become something you loathe either.

FOCUS ON GETTING THINGS RIGHT

When we moved in to our new place almost a couple years back, my goal was for us to speak mostly in Japanese in a years time. At the time, the goal did not seem so far-fetched. We were both working at home, were deep in the pandemic, and we had been using Bunpro for a couple months. This didn’t happen for several reasons, but ultimately, it was mostly lack of trying.

As mentioned, we study everyday, and have been doing so for years. I’m currently going through N2 grammar, and my partner is going through N3. We have enough vocabulary to theoretically function in everyday life in Japan if needed. At least it looks like that on paper, but when I realized that we didn’t really know how to say “植物に水をやる”, (Watering plants) we realized that there are a lot of things in practice that we just did not know. I may have memorized names of weapons in Fire Emblem and watched a WWII documentary since war terminology seems to come up quite a bit in the things I’ve watched. Even became misty eyed as families explained hardships in documentaries. But I forgot how to say “お湯を沸かす”. In TV shows and anime, people don’t seem to talk about these everyday things as much because quite frankly, they’re kind of boring to talk about. But couples talk about these things everyday. Watering plants, cooking dinner, taking out the trash. Not having spoken very much over the past couple years also made me forget how much harder it is to output on the spot. You may think you have that grammar in bag, got a 100% each time and memorized all 12 sentences. Got the gold badge that says ‘Master’ and all. Then it comes time to actually use it. Well, guess I’m reseting that grammar.

As the month pressed on, it became more apparent that there were plenty of daily things we didn’t know how to say, almost embarrassingly so. We ended up having to create print-out of household items and phrases, and paste them on the wall in different areas. That’s were the Common Japanese Collocations book came in handy. I really wish there was more content for collocations available. I started to see the gaps in my Japanese and my partner’s incorrect usage of grammar, so I’m making sure that the phrases I put up on the wall come from reliable sources. It’s not perfect, but it has helped so far.

GETTING OVER THE “SIN” OF MIXING LANGUAGES

I think a lot of us go through the stage of being annoyed at people mixing languages, especially around N4-N3 learning phase. You hear those young anime fans in the Japanese class saying kawaii here and baka there and think, yeah that doesn’t work. But the truth is that it is something that inevitably happens while learning a new language, or when you’re bilingual. I grew up in a bilingual household. Sometimes we spoke English and sometimes Spanish. That was the case in school as well. A good majority of the students knew Spanish and words would often get mixed in. Did it have any affect on us? Maybe a little bit. There were times when I forget how to say curtain in English because I was so used to saying it in Spanish. There were times when I couldn’t muster up the proper Spanish word, and had to improvise. But for the most part, not really. Had we not mixed languages, we may have felt lest inclined to even speak 2 languages in the first place. The kids who didn’t know Spanish were generally 3rd generation Mexican-Americans whose parents or grandparents literally had their mouths washed out with soap if they spoke a single word of Spanish in school. Sheesh, what a way to discourage being bilingual. To this day my Mom still complains about how both her English and Spanish got screwed up by being moved back in between Mexico and the US several times throughout her youth. She feels that her English is not up to par, and while I do feel that her English is not as good as a native speaker, if you spoke to her it wouldn’t be much of a factor in communicating.

In general, I’ve kept Japanese and English separate over the years. According to mass immersionists, it’s some sort of sin to deviate from the Japanese bubble you create for yourself. I know of language houses that kick you out if you speak a word of English. In Tokyo I was also enrolled in an all Japanese language class where English was not permitted. You know, this is fine and all, but it’s easy to forget that everyone’s situation is different and flexibility is key at times, especially in relationships. So, the solution we came up with is simple. If you know how to say it in Japanese, say it. If you don’t, don’t. Just say it in English. If you know the grammar, but not the vocab, say the vocabulary in English and look up the word afterwords or later on. If you are a person in an international marriage, I’m sure you’ve had to do this.

So all in all, there have been some very rough patches over the past month in trying to communicate in Japanese. At first it was awkward, because we weren’t used to it, but we got over that hump soon enough. At times we’ve been quieter because we were thinking about what to say and what language to say it in. At times the wrong word was used, or the masu form was used even though we’re a couple. There were times when my partner said something completely incomprehensible because she got the grammar mixed up. And there was also a time when I asked her to turn off the light and she grabbed me a box instead. Would I have it any other way? No. Because there were many moments when conversations were flowing well, when things were being understood and ideas being properly communicated. Moments that we used words and grammar we had never used before that literally laid dormant for years. Moments where we unashamedly talked crap about annoying people in public. I’ve been joyful, frustrated, disappointed, elated, and pensive in Japanese. And I don’t know about you guys, but I remembered that for me a lot of things don’t solidify unless I use them in a real life situation. I find a lot of joy in just sitting at my desk and studying, but this past month also reminded me or why I’m doing this in the first place. I also remembered why I made so much progress early on in my studies. I used what I learned, and used it as early as possible. At some point, I sort of hit the breaks and became too self-conscious of my lack of vocabulary and proper grammar usage. This tends to be a motivation killer for a lot of people.

For me, the biggest reason to keep this going is that for the first time in a long time I’m thinking in Japanese much more consistently. When I come across a new word or phrase that seems useful, I think about how I want to use it, or go over it with my partner which was something I was doing a lot less before. Perhaps this isn’t an issue for some of you who live in Japan or have a native Japanese partner, but doing this has allowed me to think more about how to formulate sentences and look up proper vocabulary. We’re not speaking Japanese 100% of the time, we’re not even speaking Japanese 30% of the time, but thats the point. We are speaking what we can, when we can, and it’s more than we have done in the past two years.

At home Tuesday is 日本語の日, where we do our best to only communicate in Japanese, and only consume Japanese content. By the end of the day we’re pretty tired. If we did it everyday we’d probably burn out. Maybe one day it will be 日本語の日 everyday, but for now we will trickle in the Japanese naturally. Looking back, I’m eternally grateful that I grew up in a bilingual household, and now, I’m just doing the same-ish thing. It was a little unnatural at first, but things are starting to feel a little more normal, and that is key. Before, whenever we spoke Japanese amongst each other, it was either a special thing, or for a very specific reason. Now, it sort of happens spontaneously. At times, we may just say a couple words, or a few phrases, and at other times we may be having basic conversations. It’s been infinitely more successful than the whole AJAAT thing which works for mostly single introverts, but not necessarily for a couples in our situation. Please chime in. Do you guys speak Japanese at home? I’m curious to know if you have any suggestions.

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Only when I want to say something snarky about another member of my family and not have them understand.

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Wow, thanks for taking the time to share your experience! Sounds similar to our situation – my wife and I are both learning the language. But we have a ways to go to be conversant. I like how you’ve taken seriously the warnings of immersion gurus (don’t say anything unless you know it’s right), but at the same time left room for experimentation. I think sometimes learning a language is more messy than some make it out to be. But I think that over time we can see our mistakes and course-correct.

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This was very fun to read!

This is exactly where my roommate and I are at right now. I want to try to drag her into speaking more with me, but that might be getting ahead of ourselves a little bit… My whole friend group is a bit deficient in listening practice and needs a lot of extra help with grammar structures and vocab before it’d be realistic to start doing that. But one of these days! One of these days…

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All in due time. Glad you’re going through the journey with friends, it’s much more fun that way.

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It’s nice to hear we’re not alone in this. Hope it goes as well for you as it has gone for us, even with all the bumps in the road.

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I really enjoy reading your posts mate!

A big hidden benefit of 2 people speaking together that cannot ‘perfectly’ use the language is that it is sometimes easier for each other to pick up on mistakes. For example particle omission/things like that.

Because a learner is often more attuned to the level of the other person, it’s easy to stop someone and say ‘hey, did you want to say XYZ? If so, perhaps using ABC may sound a bit more natural’. This really depends on the level and the patience of both people involved, but a partner can be a blessing in disguise, because most people (I think) would assume that the other person is only correcting them out of a positive heart, not out of trying to appear better.

With Haruna and I, we always correct each other all the time in both English and Japanese, and neither of us ever feel like the other person is trying to be a know-it-all.

If I could, if you find that you are both struggling with really natural day to day vocabulary, then I recommend this series of books sooooooo much.

It is unbelievably good, designed for kids, and uses no kanji. Each book is divided into a different category of words and it only ever uses the most natural word for any object/feeling/action. This is just an estimate, but I would go so far as to say that if someone memorized all vocab in these books (which may not be too hard due to the hilarious illustrations and presentation), then they would have very little issue talking about day to day things, including items.

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Thanks for the suggestion Asher!! And for reading my posts. I find it flattering seeing how long winded they are, lol.

My partner is definitely getting better about feedback and these books may be beneficial for both of us. Japanese and any language is a sea of never ending vocab, so scaling it back a bit and having a lexicon of terms would probably be beneficial. They are a little pricey, but I’m sure that especially my partner would enjoy them.

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Thank you so much for the post as aways!

When me and a friend talk together, sometimes if it’s really necessary (eg for understanding something) I would correct her English and she corrects my Japanese. It would always be a light short correction, that way we can keep the flow of the conversation going which is kinda more important.

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I completely agree with that. Short and to the point, I learned about over-explaining the hard way. No fun when a fun conversation turns into a middle school language class with a long faced teacher.

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I’m chilling in bed reading this at 1 AM haha. Anyways, amazing post, I really enjoyed reading this!

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Thanks for sharing, hopefully it encourages more learners to practice speaking spontaneously (even if it’s just thinking out loud to themselves).

I think it is important to note that what you are doing right now is very much inline with the AJATT Mindset, at least from the snippets of the AJATT blog that I have read, which is to not treat Japanese as some special thing but as a persistent part of your everyday life. The author seem to have simply took it to the extreme because their situation allowed them to do so.

The “mass immersionists” and others like them seem to have decided to just copy what the author did instead of understanding the why and adapting it to their own situation.

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I guess thats a good way to put it, didn’t really think about it that way. I would still be hard pressed to call what we do AJATT, but its more easing into AJATT than diving right in.

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