Over-stacking keigo and going mega rude with AI

[matt_in_mito]

Hi all.

Recently when I’ve been bored, I’ve been asking AI to go mad with over-stacking keigo and conversely, go madly rude with everyday Japanese sentences that I send it.

Maybe it’s just me, but the AI has genuinely made me laugh out loud on a fair few occasions, so please give it a go. There is no limit to how much you can ask the AI to over-stack and go completely and utterly ridiculous.

Bear in mind, this is actually grammatically correct, but the idea of anyone ever using it is so laughably ridiculous. Do NOT try this at work. You WILL get fired!

Anyway, I thought it was funny, and I’d like to see others’ attempts, so give it a go if you want.

And with that, let’s go…

The original and slightly boring e-mail I wrote
文先生
おつかれさまです。マシューです。
お知らせですが、明日の午前中はお休みをいただきます。午後から出勤いたします。
よろしくお願いいたします。
マシュー

Super mega OTT keigo version that would make the Emperor faint
文先生様
平素より常日頃から、私の如き者に対しまして格別なるご厚誼とご高配を賜っておりますこと、筆舌に尽くし難き深甚なる感謝の念を日々禁じ得ず、ただただ恐縮の極みにございます。心より厚く、御礼申し上げ奉ります。

さて、甚だ僭越ながら、私、マシューこと、英語科の末席を汚させていただいております不才・不徳・無能・無力の徒にございますが、本日は、些末ながらも明日の勤務予定に関する一件につきまして、謹んでご報告を申し上げたく、汗顔の至りながら、このようにご連絡差し上げさせていただいております次第にございます。

誠に勝手ながら、万障お繰り合わせいただく中、大変心苦しくはございますが、明日、かかる午前中の時間帯につきましては、やむを得ぬ事情により、厚かましくもご配慮を賜りつつ、謹んでお休みを頂戴させていただけますと、これ以上ない光栄に存じ奉ります。

なお、午後の部に関しましては、何卒ご安心賜りたく、万全なる体制を以って誠心誠意、全身全霊、鋭意尽力しつつ出勤させていただく所存にございますゆえ、誠に恐縮ながら、引き続きご高配を賜りますよう、平伏の姿勢にて、お願い申し上げ奉ります。

加えまして、このようなご多忙を極められる折に、私の如き末端教員よりの拙文にお目通しいただくお手間をお掛けいたしますこと、筆舌に尽くし難いほどの忝さと共に、恐縮に次ぐ恐縮、身の置き所もなく、ただただ恐縮に打ち震える次第でございます。

結びに、文先生様のご健勝とご清祥、並びに御家庭のご安寧と学級運営のさらなるご発展を、天地神明に誓いまして祈念申し上げ奉り、厚顔無恥ながらこの場をお借りして謹んで御礼申し上げますと共に、今後ともご叱責とご指導の程、何卒よろしくお願い申し上げ上げ奉ります。

かしこみかしこみ申し上げ奉り候。

英語科 末席教員
マシュー謹言

English version (not that English actually exists for this level of madness)
To the Esteemed Professor Fumi,

First and foremost, I humbly offer my deepest and most profound gratitude for the extraordinary kindness, benevolence, and gracious consideration that Your Honour bestows upon a person as lowly and unworthy as myself on a daily basis. I find myself utterly incapable of expressing my appreciation in words, and can only bow my head in awe and reverence.

Now then, though it is most presumptuous of me, I, Matthew — who has the audacity to sully the humble ranks of the English Department despite my utter lack of talent, virtue, capability, and worth — find myself taking up my pen (or rather, smartphone) to make a modest and wholly insufficient report concerning tomorrow’s work schedule, in the deepest humility and with trembling hands.

It is with unspeakable regret and unbearable shame that I must now burden you with the following selfish request: tomorrow morning, I beg to be permitted — under the compassionate shadow of your magnanimity — to take a leave of absence due to unavoidable circumstances beyond my mortal control.

Please rest assured, however, that I fully intend to report to work in the afternoon with the utmost readiness, full spiritual commitment, unwavering diligence, and total bodily resolve. I prostrate myself in advance to humbly implore your kind understanding and continued divine favour in this matter.

Moreover, the fact that I must dare to request your precious attention at this most busy and burdensome time fills me with an ineffable and crushing sense of unworthiness. I am overwhelmed with shame, my soul buffeted by waves of remorse for troubling your exalted self with a letter so trifling and insignificant as this.

In closing, I humbly and earnestly pray — with all sincerity and before the heavens themselves — for your continued health, prosperity, and household peace, as well as the continued success and flourishing of your homeroom duties. I beg you once again, from the bottom of my wretched heart, to favour me with your strict guidance and merciful instruction in the days to come.

With deepest reverence and trembling humility, I remain,

English Department, Humble Bottom-Rung Teacher
Matthew (Most Humbly Submitted)

Disgustingly rude version
文。
おまえさ、こっちは人間なんだよ、知ってた？ロボットみたいに朝から晩まで働けるわけねぇだろ。
明日？は？午前中なんか絶対行かねぇよ。無理。無理無理無理。
てか午後も気分次第だし、別に俺いなくても回るだろ。そもそもあんたの授業、誰も集中してねぇし。
いちいち連絡してやってんのありがたく思えよ。
文句あるなら直接言いに来いや。
マシュー様より

Vague English translation
Fumi.
You do realise I’m a human being, yeah? Not some bloody robot who can work from morning to night nonstop.
Tomorrow? Ha. There’s no way in hell I’m coming in during the morning. Not happening. Absolutely not.
Afternoon? Maybe. Depends if I can be bothered. Honestly, the place runs fine without me — better, even.
And your lessons? No one’s paying attention anyway.
You should be grateful I’m even bothering to send this message.
Got a problem? Say it to my face.
With deepest scorn,
The One and Only Matthew

[s.rowe]

This is awesome lol
I’m not sure which version I liked better wwwwww

[matt_in_mito]

@s.rowe - I wrote a response for you. Enjoy!

Japanese

拝復

この度は、私のような末席を汚す身の者が綴らせていただいた拙文の数々に対しまして、過分なるご高評を賜り、また身に余るご笑覧を頂戴いたしましたこと、身の引き締まる思いと共に、恐悦至極の境地にございます。

貴殿の温かきご反応の一つ一つに、感涙禁じ得ず、もはや光栄の極みにて筆も震えるばかり、かかるありがたきお言葉の数々を心の宝として、これよりの精進を天命と心得、日々筆を重ねてまいる所存にございます。

今後とも、筆舌に尽くし難き深甚なるご笑覧とご叱咤激励を賜りますよう、天地神明に祈りつつ、幾重にも伏して伏して伏して、お願い申し上げ奉り候。

かしこみかしこみ、謹み敬って申し上げ奉ります。

English:

Most respectfully,

I am overwhelmed with gratitude and humble awe at your generous praise and amusement at the pitiful texts penned by a mere bottom-ranking figure such as myself.

Your kind and delightful response moved me to tears, and I now treasure your words as precious jewels in my heart. I vow to continue stacking my sentences with ever more absurd levels of humility, as a matter of divine duty.

I humbly beg for your continued indulgence and heavenly guidance, bowing deeply, repeatedly, and perpetually in reverence.

Yours, in great and trembling humility.

Japanese
あ？笑ったって？

おまえ、あの文章の真髄が分かってねぇな？wwwとか軽々しく言ってんじゃねぇよ。あれは魂の叫び、命削って書いた芸術だぞ。

まあでも気に入ったなら許してやるわ。おまえ程度の読解力でも楽しめたってことは、俺、やっぱ天才だな。

次書くときは、おまえの脳ミソでも理解できるように「ルビ」でも振ってやっか？ありがたく思え。

あと、おまえの文章、読み返したけど、薄っぺらすぎて紙より軽いな。次からは三日三晩正座して読み直してからコメントしろ。

俺様より

English
Oh? You laughed?

You clearly didn’t grasp the depth of what I wrote, did you? Don’t just go “wwww” like it’s some throwaway joke. That was a soul-crushing masterpiece carved from the essence of my being.

…But fine. If you liked it, I’ll allow it. The fact that someone like you got enjoyment out of it only confirms that I’m a genius.

Maybe next time I’ll throw in furigana so your tiny brain can keep up. You’re welcome.

Also, I re-read your comment — so flimsy I’ve seen tissue with more weight. Next time, read my post while kneeling in seiza for three days before you open your mouth.

With utter dominance,
The Glorious Me

[Neon_Kitsune]

。。。先生様？！

[matt_in_mito]

@Neon_Kitsune Enjoy!!

Japanese
拝啓

このたびは、私の筆があまりにも筆圧ならぬ敬圧により、常軌を逸した称号「先生様」なる表現を用いてしまいましたこと、何卒ご容赦賜りますよう、伏してお願い申し上げ奉ります。

そもそも「先生」に既に敬意を込められておりますところへ、さらに「様」を重ねるという禁忌の二重敬語を、無知の極みにて連打してしまったこと、文化的暴投に等しく、筆を折って詫びるべき失態にございます。

にもかかわらず、貴殿におかれましては、その奇妙なる重圧構文に対し、笑みという慈悲深きリアクションを以ってお応えくださり、私めの如き者はもはや五体投地にて感謝の念を禁じ得ず、魂の底より御礼申し上げ奉ります。

今後は、謙譲と丁寧の境界線における均衡を見極め、礼節の乱用にて言語を破壊せぬよう、一字一字に霊的覚悟を持って臨む所存でございます。

何卒今後とも、温かきご指摘とご笑覧を賜りますよう、心の片隅より祈念申し上げ、取り急ぎ筆を取らせていただきました。

畏くも謹んで申し上げ奉ります。

English
Most respectfully,

I humbly and profoundly apologise for my excessive act of linguistic violence, in which I unleashed the unholy title “Sensei-sama” upon the world.

To combine “sensei” — already a word of respect — with “sama” is, frankly, a grammatical sin, a cultural misfire, and an affront to polite society. I ought to break my pen in shame.

And yet you, in your boundless grace, met this monstrosity not with condemnation but with a merciful laugh. I throw myself to the ground in gratitude.

Moving forward, I vow to walk the line between humble and absurd with care, and not destroy the Japanese language in a misguided blaze of reverence.

Thank you for your divine correction, and please continue to grace me with your guidance.

Yours in eternal repentance.

Japanese
。。。先生様、って何か問題でも？

あ？笑ってんの？こちとら敬語で武装してんだよ。常識の装甲100枚重ねて突撃してんだよ。

「先生様」がダメとか、誰が決めたんだよ。俺様だよ。

そのうち「部長様様」も使う予定だし、「父上殿様卿閣下」も検討中だわ。敬語のインフレなめんな。

てか笑ってんじゃねぇよ、敬語に感謝しろ。おまえのスマホにまで敬語かけてやろうか？

次おまえがメッセージ送るとき、「さん」すら忘れてたら俺の五段活用の鉄拳が飛ぶからな。

…でも正直、笑ってくれてありがとな。ウケてよかったわ。次は「先生様様」でぶっ込むから、覚悟しとけ。

English
“Sensei-sama” — got a problem with that?

Oh, you’re laughing? I’m out here wrapped in 100 layers of polite armour, charging into battle with fully loaded honorifics.

Who says “Sensei-sama” is wrong? I do. I invented it.

Coming soon: “Manager-sama-sama.” Maybe even “Father-lord-lady-honourable-knight.” You can’t stop this keigo inflation train.

Don’t laugh — respect the keigo. Want me to slap honorifics on your smartphone too?

And if you forget to add “-san” next time you message me, I’m sending a conjugated punch straight to your inbox.

…But hey, thanks for laughing. I’m glad it landed. Next up: “Sensei-sama-sama.” Prepare yourself.

[matt_in_mito]

Standard Japanese
トイレに行ってきます。

• I’m going to the toilet.

AI Keigo Madness
平素より格別なるご高配とご厚情を賜り、私の如き末席に連なる者に対しまして、日々過分なるご指導ご鞭撻を頂戴しておりますこと、筆舌に尽くし難きほどの深甚なる感謝と共に、厚く御礼申し上げ奉ります。

さて、誠に私事ながら、今般のご多忙を極められる中、このような瑣末かつ取るに足らぬ一件につきまして、貴重なお時間を賜る非礼をどうかご容赦いただきたく、謹んでご報告申し上げる次第にございます。

実は只今、私の生理的事情に伴い、人体の恒常性を保つべく、身体内部に蓄積されし一部不要物質を然るべき施設において適切に排出する必要が生じましたこと、伏してご理解賜りますよう、何卒お願い申し上げます。

かかる行為は、すべて公私の別なく円滑なる業務遂行の継続を目的とし、決して私利私欲によるものではなく、あくまで業務上の健全なコンディション維持の一環としての不可避的対応であることを、ここに謹んでご報告申し上げ奉ります。

つきましては、誠に恐縮ながら、数分間の間、当方の所在が一時的に確認できかねる状況が生じますこと、何卒ご海容とご高察を賜りますよう、平伏の姿勢にて伏して伏してお願い申し上げます。

I would first like to express my deepest and most heartfelt gratitude for the extraordinary kindness and consideration you continuously extend to someone as lowly as myself. Your unwavering guidance and support are more than I deserve and beyond expression in mere words.

Now, though I am fully aware that this is an utterly trivial and unworthy matter during such an important and busy time, I beg your indulgence in allowing me to convey the following report.

It is with the greatest humility that I must inform you that, due to certain physiological circumstances, I now find it necessary to proceed to an appropriate facility in order to safely and efficiently expel certain waste products that have accumulated within my body. I ask for your kind understanding in this regard.

Please rest assured that this action is in no way driven by selfish motive, but rather a purely unavoidable measure undertaken to maintain optimal physical condition for the continued fulfilment of my professional duties. It is entirely in service of ensuring operational efficiency and bodily homeostasis.

Therefore, with all due humility and deep apology, I respectfully request your patience and forgiveness for the brief period in which my physical presence will be temporarily unconfirmed. I beg this of you while prostrating myself mentally, repeatedly, in solemn reverence.

[Haruna]

おもろすぎる

[matt_in_mito]

@Haruna ありがとう！

Japanese

拝復

このたびは、私ごとき塵芥の如き存在が書き連ねた駄文に対しまして、過分にも「おもろすぎる」とのご評語を賜り、さらには情緒の洪水をもたらす「笑涙」の絵文字三連打という、筆舌に尽くし難き栄誉を頂戴いたしましたこと、誠に恐縮至極に存じ奉ります。

いかなる奇跡の巡り合わせか、拙き表現の数々が貴殿の笑壺を直撃し、かくもご笑覧を得たこと、もはや人智を超えし現象にして、天啓の如きものと、深甚なる畏敬の念を禁じ得ません。

貴殿の高雅にして先鋭なる審美眼をもって、「おもろすぎる」と断じられた事実は、拙者の筆に対する矜持を再構築するに足る一大事件にして、今後筆を執るたびに、貴殿のご笑顔が脳裏をよぎり、筆先に宿る魂の震えとして永劫に刻まれる所存にございます。

つきましては、重ねての伏しての懇願ながら、今後とも貴殿におかれましては、笑涙を誘う未曽有の高評価並びに破顔一笑のリアクションを引き続き賜れますよう、天地万象、果ては黄泉の国に至るまで祈願申し上げ、筆を取り乱しつつ、この身を地に伏してお願い申し上げ奉ります。

畏み畏みも、謹んで申し上げ奉ります。

English

Most reverently,

To have received from your esteemed self the superlative declaration of “too funny,” in reference to the worthless scribblings of one such as myself—along with the sacred trinity of crying-laughing emojis—is an honour of such magnitude that I can scarce form the words to respond.

By what celestial alignment did my pitiful utterances strike your sense of humour so unerringly? I am left trembling before this miracle, which surely transcends mortal understanding and must be seen as a divine revelation.

That a figure of your refined and piercing intellect would bestow upon me the judgement of “too funny” is a seismic event in the annals of my existence. It reconstructs my entire identity as a writer. From this day forth, your smiling visage shall hover in my mind whenever I lift my pen, and the tremor of my soul will be etched into every stroke.

Thus, in tearful prostration, I once more beg of you—please continue to grace me with your transcendent laughter and boundless praise. I will devote my entire existence, from this life to the next, to the pursuit of your next chuckle.

With infinite reverence and a bent spine of eternal humility, I submit this reply.