don’t have to
[it is okay if ~ do not]
Structure
- Verb[な
い+ く+ て ] + ( も ) + いい
も can be dropped in casual speech
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Regarding the example sentence
そんなに怒らなくてもいい。
You don’t have to be that angry.
Is this a natural way to say this? It seems like a really passive-aggressive way to say it, which would only make me all the angrier.
Are you reading the English and hearing sarcasm?
– You don’t have to be that angry.
Japanese typically don’t use sarcasm. Would it sound better if it was translated like this?
– There isn’t a need to be angry to that degree.
– It’s okay to be less angry.
Oops, should have clarified which language I was referring to. The English sounds fine to me, it’s the Japanese sentence where I’m picking up the “sarcasm” actually. All of the use cases I’m familiar with for なくてもいい seem to be for conscious volitional actions—しなくてもいい、行かなくてもいい、etc.
But when one is that angry, it’s hard to just “stop” being that angry, which is where I’m picking up the sarcasm/passive-aggressiveness/whatever-it-might-be-called. Kind of like saying to someone who’s hungry そんなにお腹空かなくてもいい, if you get my drift?
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Ah. I think I get where you’re coming from. You may disagree with this, but I would chalk this up to a difference between Western culture and Asian culture. The difference between:
— I should be allowed to express my feelings at any time.
— Everyone should be allowed to exist in peace with others (or at least without being disturbed by others).
Is it “right”? Depends on your perspective. But, from my experience, it’s very common in Japan for people to give you “suggestions” on how to behave. I concluded a while ago that it’s an uphill battle to try to change an entire country, and instead, I focus on the comments as their way of showing concern for you and the group.
In short, when I hear the Japanese, I hear a positive suggestion. 
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This is a phrase Japanese people often use when someone is mad at someone or something. It kind of has the nuance of, ‘dude, chill out’ or ‘don’t get so upset, its no big deal, just let it go’. As @FredKore said, it is more of a positive suggestion, and it is not used to be snarky or sarcastic to the person that is mad. Of course, there are situations where using this phrase would anger the person more.
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Question - why do we use verb+なくてもいい, and not verb+ないでもいい (like ないでください)? Is ないでもいい even correct grammar? Would it have a different meaning?
Just by convention, I think. ないでもいい has the same meaning and is correct enough to appear in some dictionaries＊ and in literature. But it’s rare enough that a native speaker might call it wrong. On the other hand, nobody would call なくてもいい wrong.
＊ E.g. the 日本語文型辞典 has an entry on ないでもよい
Hey @packie11 !
Verb+なくてもいい is grammatically correct (Correct Japanese). Verb+ないでもいい is technically not correct, but it is commonly used in everyday conversations. Even though verb+ないでもいい is commonly used, because verb+なくてもいい is the one that is considered ‘correct’, it would be better to use verb+なくてもいい in writing and in conversations with people that are not your peers.